Monday, December 22, 2014

To those pressing through the darkness

"It's so dark right now, I can't see any light around me. 

That's because the light is coming from you. You can't see it but everyone else can.”

-Lang Leav

Ever since I can remember, I've struggled with depression and other things. (I wont list off the specific things I have dealt with in my life partly for my own peace of mind, and partly because I don't want pity). But I have experienced darkness firsthand, and know what it's like. I know what it's like to lose hope. To not have a friend to turn to, to not have a person to talk to, to not have anywhere to go. I've been at my lowest point multiple times. And I will admit, I wanted to give up. Everything got too hard. I genuinely hated myself. The therapists didn't help. Talking about it didn't help. Medication didn't help. Nothing helped. And I didn't know how to help myself. Luckily enough for me, I found God in my darkness and he brought me out of the quickly vanishing hole I was in and helped me move ever onward. But others never get that helping hand. This is to them.

I don't know what you're going through, but I know that you feel helpless. You might feel like a burden, or a lost cause, or too far gone for saving. And let me be the first to tell you, you're wrong. You are so wrong. You are so unique, and beautiful, and full of worth, and rare, and strong, and loved. I love you. Have you heard that recently? I'll tell you again. I love you. You are cherished. You offer things that nobody on this earth can offer. I might not know you, but I don't have to. You stumbled upon my blog and to this post and for a reason. I'm here for you. I cannot express the amount of times I felt I had no one to turn to. And maybe you feel that way too, but now you have me. I don't care if you know me personally or are someone halfway across the globe, I am here to help you. I don't care how long it takes, we will get through this together.

First things first, you've got to stop hating yourself. I know why you do. Every day life is hard when you hate yourself. People underestimate how hard everyday living is. I would argue that waking up is one of the hardest parts. Sometimes mustering the strength to get out of bed is more than I can bear. Having to look at yourself in the mirror when you don't recognize the pair of eyes staring back at you is a scary and confusing thing. Having to plaster a smile on your face is exhausting. Having to train yourself to laugh at the proper times can feel like a job. The most courageous thing a person can do each morning is to make the decision to get through the day. I'm so proud of you for making that decision this morning. I'm so proud of you for living despite every thing in your life making you want otherwise.

You might think that the world would be better off without you. You're wrong. You probably think that everyone would be much happier with you out of their lives. Once again, you're wrong. "You are not just here to fill space or be a background character in someone else's movie. Consider this: nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.” You are on this earth for a reason. You might not know this reason yet. It could be a small reason or it could be a world changing reason. But it's a reason. Focus all of your energy on finding that reason. Put down the bottle of pills. Don't you dare pull that trigger. Put down the blade. No amount of red bath water can make you love yourself. Treat yourself like a work of art, because you are.

Life gets better. I still have my days and I am not cured, but I am better. I'm thankful everyday I didn't give in. Not a day has gone by, even my worst days, that I wasn't glad I was alive. It gets hard sometimes. And somedays I stay in bed all day and ignore the outside world. But so many beautiful and mysterious things have happened to me lately that I am ecstatic I am alive to see them. So many wonderful things have happened to me in even the past 6 months that I never even thought could happen to me. And they can happen to you. But first you have to continue to choose living.

Choose life. I know that the opposite seems easier. It isn't. Choose sunsets. Choose coffee in the morning. Choose holding someone's hand. Choose sleeping in. Choose rainy days. Choose meeting strangers. Choose picking flowers. Choose pumpkin patches. Choose cookies from the oven. Choose making that yellow light. Choose music. Choose seeing old friends. Choose meeting new friends. Choose getting that parking spot. Choose clean bed sheets. Choose kissing. Choose the beach. Choose compliments. Choose laughter. Choose sunny days. Choose falling in love. Choose getting mail. Choose taking a drive. Choose a bubble bath. Choose playing with puppies. Choose road trips. Choose tire swings. Choose a good movie. Choose cuddling. Choose concerts. Choose roller coasters. Choose relationships. Choose getting an A on a paper. Choose dancing. Choose a compliment. Choose high fives. Choose a children's giggle. Choose playing in the rain. Choose pillow fights. Choose everything this crazy, hectic, beautiful life has to offer. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Do not choose death. It does not want to choose you back.


When I say I will be here for any of you I mean it. Any time, day or night, any day of the week, feel free to contact me. Don't be afraid of judgement or introducing yourself. I will help you through this.
My number: 901-619-4316

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