I don't even know how to begin this. It's March 29, 2015 right now and I thought today was going to a normal day. I got up at 10 to get ready for church, until something happened that caused me not to be able to go. I was bummed out because I really do enjoy going to church, and that meant I'd have to wait a full week before hearing a preacher again. I helped out a friend, and have been laying in my bed ever since. (It's 2:12 right now) Needless to say, I was discouraged. I've been going through so much lately that I was genuinely upset I wasn't able to make it to church and hear the word of God. Little did I know he would be making his Glory known to me in a very different way this Sunday.
Recently, things have been bad for me. Really, really bad. Worse than they ever have. I won't get into too many details because I do like to keep certain parts of my life personal, but things had gotten to rock bottom for me. I couldn't get much worse and it had been taking over every single part of my life. I'd had false rumors flying around about me that couldn't have been further from the truth. My schoolwork had been lacking, if I even made it to class. My relationship was slowly deteriorating all because of me and my insecurity. I came up with excuses to not have to talk to people, or hang out with friends. My motivation for anything had been at an all time low. I had never been so uncomfortable in my skin then I was last week. Just ask my boyfriend. He had to stay up with me until 3 most nights trying to calm me down and ensure me I was beautiful. But nothing was working.
I finally made the decision to take medicine for my problems, because I had never been this far down. I was completely irrational and thinking of surgeries I could take to get my body to where I want it. I was going to the gym twice a day, 2 hours each. I didn't know what else to do. People were scared for me and people I love were bombarding me with encouragement to help me to feel better, but somehow nothing worked. I was ashamed at the way I felt and kept it to myself. I didn't want anyone to know how I truly felt about myself. Why do I feel this way? I have a great family, boyfriend, friends, school. I didn't understand how I felt the level of unhappiness that I did. I tried countless things to cheer myself up, to no avail. Then I checked Facebook and read this message, completely 100% unedited.
Reading it makes me cry all over again. I will be the first to admit that I tend to be skeptical of the "5 minutes in Heaven" phenomenon. I didn't know my stance on God's ability to save other people, or speak to people, or for my matter, speak through people. But I can with 100% certainty after reading this, that I know this was from God himself. Every single word from the letter was exactly what I had been dying to hear. There were things in the letter that I have been too scared to even say out loud- ever. There were things in that letter I had been crying out at night to be assured of. Sweet Amanda is not even close to me. Yes, we are in the same sorority, but we have never spoken face to face before. We have only had one other contact and it was brief. That being said- she hardly knows me. Especially doesn't know me to the point that she knows my heart's deepest struggles and desires. It is physically impossible for her to know that I was going through all of those things- and to that extent. It was after I read her message and gathered my composure after bursting into tears, that I felt ashamed at my unwillingness to believe other's miraculous stories about how God has preformed miracles in their lives. I'm not saying every single story that is told is true- some may in fact be infatuated. But I am none to judge. If I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and that he performed miracles on earth and came back from the dead so that I may have eternal life, why would I not believe that he would be able to inspire a girl at my school to write me a personal letter from him while seated in his throne in Heaven?
This letter saved my life, in more ways than one. This letter put everything back into perspective for me. It reminded me of God's everlasting love for me. I so often fall victim to this world and search for earthy pleasures and compliments, when I have a Father in Heaven that died for me. It seems silly thinking that I spend so much time feeling worthless, when God thought I was enough to send his son down to earth and to be crucified for. There are many things I can understand about the Bible and My Lord, but his love is something I will never be able to fathom. I tend to pass over verses that talk about how much God loves us, because it's something I've been conditioned to know since I was walking. God loves you. I'd heard it a thousand times before. But this letter was the first time I actually thought about it. God loves me more than any parent, friend, significant other, spouse, animal, or thing ever could. God knows me better than anyone on this planet. He knows the amount of hairs on my head and my every waking thought. He knows every flaw of mine, even the ones I'm good at hiding from others. He has seen me completely raw, naked, unedited, and still loves me more than any love I could ever seek from anyone else.
God is walking with me in my troubles. I couldnt help but be reminded of Psalm 23.
Alongside with God loving me, he is with me. I never have to worry about suffering through anything alone. I have the ultimate Companion/Savior/Father praising me for every step I take.
He is proud of me. People taking pride in me is something I've always craved, especially recently. I want everyone that knows me to be proud of who I am and that they know me. I'm always seeing how people react to my name. How willing they are to stand up for me. How quick they are to call me their friend. I want the people in my life to think I'm the greatest thing in the earth- when everyone knows I'm not. I'm flawed just like everyone else. But God tells me that I'm special to him. He sees me and all of my effort and all of my good days and all of my bad days and still is proud of me. He's proud of me regardless how much my mental illness is taking over me. He's proud of me when I'm so sad I cant leave my bed. He is proud of me always, and his love is unwavering.
I can come to God- with anything. There are certain things in everybody's life that they don't feel comfortable sharing. There are things so dark and deep we can't even gather the courage to utter them out loud. But God knows them. And he wants to help us through them. God knows every single thing I am struggling with at any given second of the day. And he wants to talk me through it and hold my hand while I overcome it.
God has a plan. With all of the disappointments, let downs, change of plans, and tragedies of every day life, I become discouraged. What's my purpose here? Why did that person leave my life? Why did that plan fall through? I spend so much time everyday mourning over "what could be." Losing close friends is never an easy thing, and it's something I've already had to go through in college. But I am reminded that God has a plan for everything, and that he knows what he is doing by placing certain people in my life at different times. If God takes someone out of my life, I know it is for a good reason. I might not ever understand the reason, but I understand that it is there.
I am beautiful. It feels awkward just typing it, but I guess I better get used to it. Is isn't by chance that the topic of beauty was saved for last, considering it is something I have always struggled with. This past week has been the worst my insecurity has ever been. My boyfriend told me he had never heard me sound like I did one day when he called me. A few new things had come up that left me feeling completely defeated. I felt hideous. I couldn't stand to look at myself. I wouldn't snapchat my boyfriend back because I was ashamed of him seeing my face. He sent me pages and pages of texts telling me how attractive he found me, but I didnt believe him. I cried myself to sleep, ashamed at the way I looked. I decided surgery was the only option for me to get the results I had wanted. I talked to 4 different friends about it, whom all told me I didnt need it but I thought they were lying to me. I couldnt shake the feeling of inadequacy. I wanted to be beautiful, and I was going to stop at nothing to get it. I could feel my friends becoming exhausted at how often I brought up my insecurity, but I couldnt stop. And no matter how many compliments were thrown my way, I still felt ugly. The ending of God's letter to me was just the icing on the cake.
Lastly beautiful princess. I want you to know how perfectly beautiful you are. Yes, perfect. Nothing needs to be changed. I made you just the way you are. Perfectly beautiful. Love who you are. I created you, remember? And I make no mistakes with any of my designs. You are my masterpiece sweet girl.
I had spent the last week especially hating myself for my appearance, only to have God tell me that I am perfect in his sight. And that nothing needs to be changed. I had been so dead set on surgery to become more attractive for the first time in my life this week. I've always been against appearance enhancing surgery until I realized how easy it would be. I thought it would solve all of my problems. I had already started planning on when I would get it so I could start saving money now. But God commanded me to love who I am. It's one of the few commands in his letter to me, and I believe that's for a reason. God knows me and how often I struggle with my appearance, and he is commanding me to stop. He created me in his image and to be perfect, and I am not satisfied. The creator of all the Heavens and the earth created me, with no mistake. Why would I fix something that the Lord of all the earth created? God not only calls me beautiful, perfect, but his masterpiece. God is proud of the way he made me.
This letter opened my eyes to things I had not even come close to seeing before. I know many people in my life are struggling, maybe even with the same things I am. I'm posting this blog and God's letter to me, to help others that might need it. I'm so ashamed of my struggles that I never want to share them and want to keep them to myself. But I never know who might be feeling the exact same way I am. So girl or boy, read the letter again and realize that the letter is to you also. The letter is to every child of God. These are all things we need to be reminded of. Feel free to reach out to me (Or Amanda) if this letter helped you in any way. Receiving feedback on the word of God is the best feedback I can receive. Or if you need someone to talk through your struggles with, feel free to message me.
A HUGE thanks to Amanda Goeglien. Amanda, your willingness and ability to listen to the Lord and serve him absolutely blow me away. Sending a random girl a message from God had to be daunting, but you served him and I am so amazed by you. Thank you for getting out of the bed and being a servant of the Lord. Thank you for having the courage to press send. Thank you for being the sweet soul you are. I am eternally grateful for Zeta that brought us together. Your heart (and your ear) for Christ is something I will always be astounded by.