Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Just because you can't train your boyfriend doesn't mean you should lower your standards // My problem with TSM

I am, yet again, appalled by another "Total Sorority Move" post. This post (which you can read for yourself here: http://totalsororitymove.com/a-message-to-crazy-girlfriends-everywhere-stop-trying-to-train-your-boyfriend/) is focused around the very real fact that some people (no need for gender stereotypes!) try to train their partners. I had high hopes for this post, since I do agree that we should be able to be comfortable in a relationship enough to let our significant other breathe. But I couldn't help but disagree with almost everything that I read. Here's why:

"...even if, deep down, he secretly wonders what she looks like naked, that doesn’t mean he’s going to act on it. He still has a **** , and that’s not his fault."
Wait, I'm sorry, did I read that right? Did I just read that I should be okay with my boyfriend lusting over other women as long as he didn't act on it because it "isn't his fault"?? That's exactly what TSM is saying here. Now ladies, don't get me wrong. I do know that we live in a fallen world of lust, especially since we are in such a sex-dominated culture. But if you are a woman of any worth, hear my words loud and clear. The man for you should NOT be spending his time lusting over other woman. I'm not saying he never will, because chances are, he unfortunately will. But that does NOT make it right. Find a man that is satisfied in you and you alone. Matthew 5:28 states, "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." A man worthy of your heart will not cheat on you- whether it be physically or emotionally. If your boyfriend does struggle with lust, he will not simply ignore it and continue in his sin. He will work on it, and take the proper precautions to stop it. (Ex: having certain websites blocked, repenting, being honest with you in his struggle) And in the same sense, women- don't go see movies like Magic Mike if you don't want your boyfriend seeing 50 Shades of Grey. Sure Channing Tatum looks great shirtless, but so do the women that you don't want your boyfriend watching. Lust goes both ways, regardless of gender.

"...this doesn’t mean you should drive yourself crazy trying to prevent your boyfriend from hooking up with someone else. If your boyfriend is going to cheat, let him."
I really do get what they are tying to convey here. They're (in their own very twisted way) trying to relay the fact that no matter what precautions you take, if your boyfriend is going to cheat, he will no matter the actions taken beforehand. But here's what I say to that- if you're dating a guy that you believe will cheat on you, don't let him. Don't even give him the chance to cheat on you. If you're dating someone you cannot put your trust in and are paranoid every second of the day that they will be unfaithful, that's reason enough to end the relationship. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Getting into a relationship is a very serious thing. If you believe he will not be able to give you the faithfulness you desire, guard yourself and your heart from any future pain. Chances are, unless it's all in your head, if he's giving you reason to worry, he will act on it. If he's being shady, or lying, or making you feel uncomfortable, end it. Don't continue in a relationship that always causes you stress. Relationships are built on trust. If you don't have that, it will ultimately fall apart sooner or later. You will find someone that makes you comfortable enough to be able to trust them, without it being a struggle. Simply lowering your standards to fit the man you're with will only hurt you. Wait for the man that loves you in a way you never have to doubt.

"...you can’t force loyalty; the best you can do is do your part to prove that you deserve it..."
It is not your job as a woman, or a human being for that matter, to prove you deserve loyalty to anyone. If you are in a relationship in which you believe you must prove that you are deserving of loyalty, chances are you won't get it. Loyalty should be an easy thing to give to someone you love, or are committed to. It shouldn't be earned after any certain amount of time, or after the proper amount of actions were taken. You deserve loyalty always, you don't need to prove that you do. So, what should you wait for? 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." This is what love should be like- not having to work overtime to train your partner.

With this all being said, I do understand what TSM is trying to say. I just think they had a terrible way of communicating it. Simply put- men or women should not control their partner in a relationship. You should be able to trust your significant other enough to go out, have fun, have a normal day without you checking up on them. And if you don't trust your partner enough for that, for whatever reason, you have the right to end it and start over again. Relationships should be happy and easy, not straining and stressful on your every day life.

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