Friday, June 19, 2015

thoughts of nothingness on an airplane

so it's been a while. i'm sorry i haven't kept up with my writing, but there are a few reasons why. the main reason is that i simply haven't had much time to spare. in the past month, i've traveled from turks and caicos in the caribbean, to the lake, to new york city. it's been hectic but i have enjoyed every single second of it. i've also found myself turning to writing my thoughts down on paper rather than type, but i will soon be copying those to put on the blog. so thank you for being patient with me while i have been less than consistent in my posting. 

i'm writing this from 6,000 miles in the air as i leave the city that never sleeps. this trip was taken with my mom, and it's the first girls trip we've ever had. (and man did we have a blast!) as i type this onto my iphone, i have a million thoughts buzzing through my head. i just left the busiest city in the world and i'm returning home in 3 short house to my home in memphis. i'm excited to be home and see my family and spend time with loved ones and my pets, but i have this craving inside of me that just somehow can't be filled. i want to be doing bigger things. i'm not belittling at all the fact of how blessed i am that i have had the privilege of being able to travel to these amazing places over the past couple of weeks. i'm simply stating that i want more. i want to see the earth. and i don't mean i want luxurious vacations upon ocean front resorts, i just mean that i want to see more of the world. traveling is such a beautiful experience i hope everyone gets the chance of feeling one day. i'm addicted to the adrenaline i get when the plane gets off the runway and the way everyone has a place to be and everyone is in their place. i pass people walking upon the sidewalks of new york and i wonder how they got so fortunate to call such a lovely city home. do they work twice as hard as the normal person? is their apartment tiny in jersey or overlooking central park? did they get money passed down? and then i look at the homeless men on the alley streets of turks and caicos and i wonder how they got there in the first place. is it their birth place? do they have family? do they like the ability to see the ocean every day, despite their circumstances? i have so many thoughts and all of my thoughts just make me want to travel MORE. i want to go to africa and look into the eyes of a starving child and be able to help them eat for the night. i want to rent a one bedroom apartment in the middle of london and take hot baths and work in the city. i want to be climbing mountains and feeling as if my feet can't take another step until i reach the top and realize it was all worth it. i want to go on little ships and ferries and subways and trains and planes and busses and safaris and trails and lose the idea that i have to know where i'm going at all times. wandering aimlessly can be a wonderful thing and i want to be able to fall asleep on the subway and miss my stop only to find how the city lights look at night. i want the messiness of a crappy apartment and i want to sit on my window and eat take out every night. i want to travel and i don't know if my dreams align with reality but i want to be able to get the chance to see for myself. 

lately i've been feeling rather lost. and not in the sad kind of way where i can't see a destination ahead. simply put: i know God has a plan for me. i know he has everything to the inth degree figured out for my life. and i know i'm destined for greatness. i just don't know what that would be. i think most people  by their 20s know what they want to do with their life. they know what their "thing" is. and i don't. luckily, i'm not quite 19 yet, but college really does put a stress on figuring out your life. don't get me wrong- I have lots of options and i would be happy doing many, many different things for my life. I just wish i knew what it was, so i could pour all of my soul and energy into it now instead of having to wait 2 years into college to decide what i want to do. when i think of my friends and the people i care about, i can go down the list and name out what each person's thing is. so why can't i do that for myself? i guess that most people's guess would be that my thing is writing. and if i had to pick right now, i would agree. but writing isn't the only thing i know and love. i love so many different things it scared me at times because it can be so overwhelming. i love writing blogs and poems and songs and short stories and excerpts. i love helping people and the immediate high i get after i know i made an impact on somebody. i could see myself being a therapist and listening to the girl that feels like her life is falling apart, and convince her it's not. i could see myself being a teacher and teaching literature or english or writing. i love singing and music and listening to music and concerts and singing until my throat is raw. i love animals of all sorts with such a passion i can barely contain it. i could see myself being a vet or a foster home for an animal or a humane society employee. i love photographs and how it captures a moment in still air. i love black and white pictures and i love editing pictures and i love taking pictures. i could see myself being a wedding photographer or a photo editer. i love spreading the word of God and could see myself being a full time missionary. i could see myself getting a job in the church i'm involved in. i could see myself being a stay at home mom. i could see myself being a fashion designer. or a home designer. i love books and reading words and i could see myself being an author or editor or publicist. i love young people and i love old people. i could see myself working in a day care of a foster home or a nursing home. i could see myself doing so, so many things. the only thing i take certainty in is that i will continue (god willed) traveling the world until the day i die.

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