Monday, July 27, 2015

wolf of wall street

it's 12:27 right now and i'm sitting in bed crying. i'm a rather emotional person, so my emotions are things i have learned to allow myself to express. i cry when i'm happy and i cry when i'm sad and i cry when people yell at me and i cry when i'm stressed out and i cry at romantic movies and i cry when people say nice things to me. i cry, a lot. but i'm crying tonight for a reason other than i've ever cried before. tears are strolling down my face as i write this because of the state of the world i live in.
tears are strolling down my face tonight because i tried to watch "wolf of wall street".
"wolf of wall street" is a movie notorious for the crazy life style of a stock broker. i knew this when it came out a couple of years ago and promised i would never watch it. nearly everyone i knew that was my age had seen it and loved it. "it's hilarious" "i want to be just like him" "it's my favorite movie" were all real things i had heard come out of the mouths of others. i didn't have anything to do tonight so i decided to see what all the hype was about. i didn't think it could be that bad. i mean, all i had heard was good things about it.
i didn't hear about the domestic abuse in it. i didn't hear that within the first 5 minutes i would see 3 naked women portrayed as prostitutes. i didn't hear that drugs were in every scene. i didn't hear that strippers made appearances more times than i can count. i didn't hear about the absolutely terrible content. i made it through a full hour before bursting into tears. and this might not make sense to others and it doesn't fully make sense to me, but i'm writing about it. (that's what blogs are for, right?)
now, i am a normal almost 20 year old and have been exposed one way or the other to all the things above. nothing in the movie was new or shocking to me. but the almost 3 hour long movie, strung together, by sin after sin made me feel physically ill. i felt dirty and sinful and ashamed to the point of tears. i've never actually felt that before. and it makes me so incredibly sad that people that i know can like this garbage. even parts of the movie. maybe even a scene. because this movie is the absolute worst thing i have ever seen. i had never watched something before that made me want to physically scrub my skin to cleanse myself. that made me immediately have to put on my christian pandora station to calm my soul back down. it just makes me so sad.
it makes me so terrified to have kids of my own. if i think that is bad, i can't even imagine what it will be like for my (god-willing) kids growing up. it makes me not want to bring another child into this world because corruption is inevitable, and so so easy nowadays. this movie got great ratings and stats and reviews and i just want to go into each person's brain that saw this and hand pick every memory of the film and erase it. i don't want one person on god's green earth wasting their time watching this filth. i can't even accurately explain how terrible this movie is and i would say you would have to see it to understand, but i beg of you, if you haven't already, to refrain from seeing it.
as i admitted earlier, my emotions sometimes get the best of me and i'm ok with that. i don't know exactly why i'm crying. i think i'm crying because it makes me so upset that young people can think this is what is "cool". i don't know if i'm a weirdo or a freak for being so affected by this film (and i know it is my fault for watching it) but it just makes me want to claw at my own skin thinking of the people i love most in this world watching this movie and learning from it.
this movie is the most false version of reality i have ever seen. i wish people would find the bible as interesting as they do drugs. or sex. or porn. or domestic violence. or strip clubs. or money. or people. this post doesn't have a motivational point or anything like that and i don't know how to end it. writing is my therapy and so that's what i did. i'm sad tonight because i read scripture about how the world should be, and then i look around and see the total opposite. i don't know if this makes any sense and i don't feel like editing it to make sense so i'm going to post this to make myself feel better.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

my soul will rest in your embrace

i remember sitting in this exact spot almost a year ago, writing my first blog post- about college. and it seems i've almost come full circle. because here i am, a full year of college under my belt, as confused as ever. now don't get me wrong, i love my college. i'm thankful every single day that god led my heart away from the college i had originally chosen, looking back on it. i know that the decision i made this time last year was the right one. but is it the right one still?

like i said, samford was the right school for me freshman year without a doubt. i met two incredible people there within the first two months that i can't even imagine my life without (or before). i had wonderful experiences in my first year of college. i learned a lot about myself through good times and through bad times. i got into the sorority i wanted. i got extremely lucky with my professors and classes. a lot of good happened to me by following god's will for me. i'm just not so sure his will hasn't changed.

i liked college a lot more than i thought i would. i never liked high school and i was nervous to transition into a new city where i didn't know anyone. but even in my very happiest, most blissful moments i wasn't 100% sure i was where i was supposed to be. and i don't mean a different college, i mean college in general. after a life altering experience over christmas break, i seriously considered taking a break from college. it consumed my thoughts to the point that i talked to my parents, whom encouraged me to try another semester. so i did. but here i am, about to be entering my sophomore year, more lost than ever. i don't even know what i want to major in anymore. if i'm being honest with myself, i want to drop out of college. (details on that in a separate post coming up soon.) but society is telling me to stay in college, or else i won't be able to make a life for myself. so, i'm going back to samford to give it another year to hopefully figure things out. i mean, i want to figure things out! it just hasn't been working for me lately. 

this wandering around is tiring and emotional draining for me. i don't know what i'm doing with my life, or if i wanna stay in college, or what to major in. and these all might seem like petty problems, but to an almost 20 year old, this is all i think about. 

i was reading scripture earlier when i came across acts 2:25. the full scripture is here: 
i had never read acts before, and was absolutely blown away by the truth in this passage. the first verse, "i saw the lord always before me" is one of my new favorite quotes. it put things in perspective for me and my life, especially now. often times, i get so caught up in specifics. majors. college. jobs. and i don't lift my head to the heavens nearly as much as i should. before i get all caught up in my life, i have to remember to look forward and see the lord. not what the next day will bring. or what i'll end up doing with my life. not many things in my life are clear right now. (are they ever?) i don't have much figured out, but i do have one thing that i hold true to. the lord is before me. in a literal sense, i should always think of the lord before myself. he is before me and his plan will prevail. but also in a physical sense. the lord is before me, in a way that i cannot fully comprehend in my human mind. the lord knows my future and has seen the outcome. he had planned out every second of my life even before i took my first breath. if anything, i have full confidence in my god.

but first and foremost, i need to seek jesus. after all, "i will not be shaken... my body will also rest in hope." ahhhh. what a great word to read. rest. i don't rest enough, either. and i don't mean lay in bed and binge eat while watching netflix, because lord knows i do my fair share of that. i hardly ever sit down somewhere, without my phone, with zero distractions, and focus on the power of the lord. i don't rest in his presence. i'm always going a mile a minute. but what beautiful news it is that i can rest in the hope of the lord! i can actually sit down and be filled with not anxiety or fear, but rest. the definition of rest is this -- "to cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength". i can't imagine a more needed thing than to relax, refresh, and recover strength in jesus more often.

as most of you don't know, i listen to music while i write. my typical writing style is putting my hair up in a bun on top of my head, pulling out my laptop, and putting a pandora station on. depending on what i'll be writing, i put on different stations. usually when i am writing on the lord, i put on christian contemporary. my all time favorite christian song is oceans by hillsong. this song just came on my station and it couldn't have been a better time. (i highly encourage all believers to check it out if you haven't already heard it! no matter how many times i hear it, i can hear something new in the lyrics each time.) his song has been my anthem for as long as i can remember. the lyrics are more than a song to me, i can honestly say every time i sing it, i feel the presence of the lord in a way i cannot describe. tears fill my eyes every time i hear the first note. one of my favorite lyrics from the song is -- ""when oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace, for i am yours, and you are mine" and hillsong put it beautifully. no matter the circumstances in out life, we can find rest in the embrace of our lord and savior. what an incredibly encouraging thing to hear!

i still don't know what i'm going to do in this life god has given me. it could go a million different directions. it could take me months, years, or even never, to discover what i'm ultimately supposed to be doing. but it's a great reminder that god gave me today that no matter what happens, i can rest in god and god alone.

if any of you are struggling with decisions // hardships, feel free to chat with me! links below :)

Saturday, July 4, 2015

♡Happy 4th of July!♡

I hope you all had a great 4th!! I spent my day with my family, cooked out burgers + fireworks! (what other way?) 
I chose to wear a good ole pair of jean high-waisted shorts with a patriotic colored flannel tied across my waist. I found a vintage t-shirt from goodwill that I cut the sleeves off of and tied behind me to create a home-made crop top look! I wore my white high tops converse with red striped socks and matched that with a red ribbon in my hair. (I did an Ariana Grande inspired half-up do!) I topped my look all off with a red lipstick and smokey eye! 

 Since none of the clothing I wore was branded, I can't link any sources to where I got my things! Sorry guys!! I still wanted to share my look with you all. I will have things sourced next fashion post. Love you all xoxo

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

you're better than any list i could have created

when i was younger i would watch fairy tales like cinderella, and i promised my mom i was going to marry a prince. i wanted him to be tall, dark and handsome. i wanted my lower school boyfriend to hold my hand during red rover and share his chocolate pudding with me. i wanted my middle school relationship to get the most facebook likes.

as i grew older, my list grew with me. i suddenly began to want different things. like a man that could make me laugh when i wanted to cry. enjoyed art. that could be close with my father. football player. green eyes. could sing. that could make me smile by a single look. i wrote and wrote and wrote my list down, until it was perfect. i had the best list out of all of my friends. i was so proud that i had created the perfect person for me, and i promised myself i wouldn't settle for anything else. so i waited for the lucky man to come along that could precisely check off every requirement i had, like a job interview. it was perfect. and then i met you.

you walked in the room and the whole building shook. you walked in and for the first time in my life, i wasn't mentally checking you for every bullet point i had made. you walked in and the earth stopped spinning. you walked in and i couldn't stop wondering how you managed to get all of the light in the room into your eyes. your blue eyes. without a care in the world- you walked in and sat on the bed and told me a story. but i couldn't stop staring at your lips and the way every word you spoke sounded like a melody i had been searching for my whole life.

that night, i laid my head on my pillow and started to go over my list in my head. and it was in that moment that i realized you didn't have anything on my list. not one.

you were better than any list i could have created. you didn't make me laugh when i wanted to cry. or at least not always. when i wanted to cry, you wrapped your arms around me and told me that the earth is 70% salt water and that it would be natural for me to shed a few drops of my own. you taught me that crying wasn't anything to be ashamed of because it brings me closer to the earth. you didn't enjoy art, but you treated me like the mona lisa. no matter where i was, it appeared that you were looking at me. you told me i was the only art you needed. you weren't close with my father. you were close with both of my parents. i still remember the look of joy my mother had when you embraced her in a hug for the first time. and how firmly you shook my father's hand. and the first time you told me you can't wait to call them mom and dad. you didn't play football. you played baseball and you took me to the field every night. you sat me on the bleachers and taught me everything about a sport i had never watched before under the stars. you took me on the field at 2am and walked me to home plate where you caught. you didn't have green eyes, you had blue eyes and every single time i looked into them it reminded me of how vast the sky was, and how vast my love was for you. you couldn't sing but that sure didn't stop you. every car ride was spent with the windows down, country blaring. i hate country music but somehow i fell in love with the way it sounded coming out of your mouth. you couldn't make me smile from a single look. you could do so much more. i could catch a glimpse of you from across the room and feel butterflies 8 months later the same way i did on our first date. i still remember the look in your eye when we were at your house, right before i had to excuse myself to the bathroom where i put my hands on the sink and looked in the face of a girl in love. there are certain times that you would talk or write or concentrate that would bring a sense of pride to me that i didn't even know existed. you once told me "i've made a lot of mistakes, but my biggest mistake was thinking i wouldn't find someone as perfect as you." it took looking into your eyes for enough time to realize you weren't on my list of things i needed in a lover. because i didn't know what i needed until you were right in front of me, keeping my gaze. so i tell you now. i've made a lot of mistakes, but my biggest mistake was thinking i wouldn't find someone as perfect as you.