when i was younger i would watch fairy tales like cinderella, and i promised my mom i was going to marry a prince. i wanted him to be tall, dark and handsome. i wanted my lower school boyfriend to hold my hand during red rover and share his chocolate pudding with me. i wanted my middle school relationship to get the most facebook likes.
as i grew older, my list grew with me. i suddenly began to want different things. like a man that could make me laugh when i wanted to cry. enjoyed art. that could be close with my father. football player. green eyes. could sing. that could make me smile by a single look. i wrote and wrote and wrote my list down, until it was perfect. i had the best list out of all of my friends. i was so proud that i had created the perfect person for me, and i promised myself i wouldn't settle for anything else. so i waited for the lucky man to come along that could precisely check off every requirement i had, like a job interview. it was perfect. and then i met you.
you walked in the room and the whole building shook. you walked in and for the first time in my life, i wasn't mentally checking you for every bullet point i had made. you walked in and the earth stopped spinning. you walked in and i couldn't stop wondering how you managed to get all of the light in the room into your eyes. your blue eyes. without a care in the world- you walked in and sat on the bed and told me a story. but i couldn't stop staring at your lips and the way every word you spoke sounded like a melody i had been searching for my whole life.
that night, i laid my head on my pillow and started to go over my list in my head. and it was in that moment that i realized you didn't have anything on my list. not one.
you were better than any list i could have created. you didn't make me laugh when i wanted to cry. or at least not always. when i wanted to cry, you wrapped your arms around me and told me that the earth is 70% salt water and that it would be natural for me to shed a few drops of my own. you taught me that crying wasn't anything to be ashamed of because it brings me closer to the earth. you didn't enjoy art, but you treated me like the mona lisa. no matter where i was, it appeared that you were looking at me. you told me i was the only art you needed. you weren't close with my father. you were close with both of my parents. i still remember the look of joy my mother had when you embraced her in a hug for the first time. and how firmly you shook my father's hand. and the first time you told me you can't wait to call them mom and dad. you didn't play football. you played baseball and you took me to the field every night. you sat me on the bleachers and taught me everything about a sport i had never watched before under the stars. you took me on the field at 2am and walked me to home plate where you caught. you didn't have green eyes, you had blue eyes and every single time i looked into them it reminded me of how vast the sky was, and how vast my love was for you. you couldn't sing but that sure didn't stop you. every car ride was spent with the windows down, country blaring. i hate country music but somehow i fell in love with the way it sounded coming out of your mouth. you couldn't make me smile from a single look. you could do so much more. i could catch a glimpse of you from across the room and feel butterflies 8 months later the same way i did on our first date. i still remember the look in your eye when we were at your house, right before i had to excuse myself to the bathroom where i put my hands on the sink and looked in the face of a girl in love. there are certain times that you would talk or write or concentrate that would bring a sense of pride to me that i didn't even know existed. you once told me "i've made a lot of mistakes, but my biggest mistake was thinking i wouldn't find someone as perfect as you." it took looking into your eyes for enough time to realize you weren't on my list of things i needed in a lover. because i didn't know what i needed until you were right in front of me, keeping my gaze. so i tell you now. i've made a lot of mistakes, but my biggest mistake was thinking i wouldn't find someone as perfect as you.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
"Because there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
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