like i said, samford was the right school for me freshman year without a doubt. i met two incredible people there within the first two months that i can't even imagine my life without (or before). i had wonderful experiences in my first year of college. i learned a lot about myself through good times and through bad times. i got into the sorority i wanted. i got extremely lucky with my professors and classes. a lot of good happened to me by following god's will for me. i'm just not so sure his will hasn't changed.
i liked college a lot more than i thought i would. i never liked high school and i was nervous to transition into a new city where i didn't know anyone. but even in my very happiest, most blissful moments i wasn't 100% sure i was where i was supposed to be. and i don't mean a different college, i mean college in general. after a life altering experience over christmas break, i seriously considered taking a break from college. it consumed my thoughts to the point that i talked to my parents, whom encouraged me to try another semester. so i did. but here i am, about to be entering my sophomore year, more lost than ever. i don't even know what i want to major in anymore. if i'm being honest with myself, i want to drop out of college. (details on that in a separate post coming up soon.) but society is telling me to stay in college, or else i won't be able to make a life for myself. so, i'm going back to samford to give it another year to hopefully figure things out. i mean, i want to figure things out! it just hasn't been working for me lately.
this wandering around is tiring and emotional draining for me. i don't know what i'm doing with my life, or if i wanna stay in college, or what to major in. and these all might seem like petty problems, but to an almost 20 year old, this is all i think about.
i was reading scripture earlier when i came across acts 2:25. the full scripture is here:
i had never read acts before, and was absolutely blown away by the truth in this passage. the first verse, "i saw the lord always before me" is one of my new favorite quotes. it put things in perspective for me and my life, especially now. often times, i get so caught up in specifics. majors. college. jobs. and i don't lift my head to the heavens nearly as much as i should. before i get all caught up in my life, i have to remember to look forward and see the lord. not what the next day will bring. or what i'll end up doing with my life. not many things in my life are clear right now. (are they ever?) i don't have much figured out, but i do have one thing that i hold true to. the lord is before me. in a literal sense, i should always think of the lord before myself. he is before me and his plan will prevail. but also in a physical sense. the lord is before me, in a way that i cannot fully comprehend in my human mind. the lord knows my future and has seen the outcome. he had planned out every second of my life even before i took my first breath. if anything, i have full confidence in my god.
but first and foremost, i need to seek jesus. after all, "i will not be shaken... my body will also rest in hope." ahhhh. what a great word to read. rest. i don't rest enough, either. and i don't mean lay in bed and binge eat while watching netflix, because lord knows i do my fair share of that. i hardly ever sit down somewhere, without my phone, with zero distractions, and focus on the power of the lord. i don't rest in his presence. i'm always going a mile a minute. but what beautiful news it is that i can rest in the hope of the lord! i can actually sit down and be filled with not anxiety or fear, but rest. the definition of rest is this -- "to cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength". i can't imagine a more needed thing than to relax, refresh, and recover strength in jesus more often.
as most of you don't know, i listen to music while i write. my typical writing style is putting my hair up in a bun on top of my head, pulling out my laptop, and putting a pandora station on. depending on what i'll be writing, i put on different stations. usually when i am writing on the lord, i put on christian contemporary. my all time favorite christian song is oceans by hillsong. this song just came on my station and it couldn't have been a better time. (i highly encourage all believers to check it out if you haven't already heard it! no matter how many times i hear it, i can hear something new in the lyrics each time.) his song has been my anthem for as long as i can remember. the lyrics are more than a song to me, i can honestly say every time i sing it, i feel the presence of the lord in a way i cannot describe. tears fill my eyes every time i hear the first note. one of my favorite lyrics from the song is -- ""when oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace, for i am yours, and you are mine" and hillsong put it beautifully. no matter the circumstances in out life, we can find rest in the embrace of our lord and savior. what an incredibly encouraging thing to hear!
i still don't know what i'm going to do in this life god has given me. it could go a million different directions. it could take me months, years, or even never, to discover what i'm ultimately supposed to be doing. but it's a great reminder that god gave me today that no matter what happens, i can rest in god and god alone.
if any of you are struggling with decisions // hardships, feel free to chat with me! links below :)