Wednesday, June 1, 2016

don't date a guy that struggles with porn

pornography is an issue that (sadly) affects people all over the world nowadays. porn tears apart relationships, gives us false expectations for our partners, and ruins our brains. don't think a little porn is a big deal? lets first look at some statistics to clear the air of some questions.

56% of divorce cases involved one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.

men are more than 543% more likely to look at porn than women.
51% of male and 32% of female students first viewed porn before their teenage years (12 and younger).
1 in 5 mobile searches are for pornography.
64% of christian men and 15% of christian women say they watch porn at least once a month 
88% of scenes in porn films contain acts of physical aggression, and 49% of scenes contain verbal aggression.
(if you want more (extremely graphic and x rated) statistics you can look at sites such as or )

now that we've covered a few basics on the affects of pornography, we can get into the nitty gritty about why porn is so incredibly dirty. in my sophomore year of high school, i recall having a speaker come and talk to my school about porn. i remember him explaining a very important point that i had never thought of before- porn isn't wrong because it's 2 people having sex. God created sex, and therefore, it is a good thing in the context of marriage. it isn't wrong because 2 people are having sex. what's wrong is that you are a 3rd party watching an extremely intimate act which is made to be between 2 people. you are also watching 2 strangers calling each other terrible names and committing adultery together, in an extremely unrealistic and dangerous setting, and getting pleasure out of it. that's why it's wrong

although this example from mean girls is humorous, i feel as if it is a common misconception told to young people in the text of pornography that SEX IS BAD!! SEX IS DIRTY!! SEX IS WRONG!! end of discussion! and this is so disheartening to me because it couldn't be further from the truth. so what is the biblical purpose of sex? "the biblical purpose of sex is multifaceted. God has given sex to us as a means of glorifying Him as we fulfill its design for procreation, intimacy, comfort, and physical pleasure. it is a fulfillment of God's created order in marriage between a husband and wife." sex was created to be a good thing- it is the fallenness and filthiness of this world that made it otherwise.

i urge you, women, don't date a guy that struggles with porn. don't date any guy (i refuse to use the term man) that leaves your house and directly goes home to the safety of his own room and private internet. don't date a guy that tells you porn isn't a big deal because he loves you, and would never actually cheat on you. don't date a guy that makes you believe that he is a victim of watching porn, and physically cannot stop. HOWEVER, women of the word, please hear me when i say this. porn is everywhere. it is a click away on our cellphones, it's plastered on pictures as high as the ceiling outside of victorias secret, it's on every magazine, every social media, every tv show, every movie, every book. men are at a disadvantage nowadays more than ever, and it is no surprise because of our fallen nature, that men continually are confronted with pornography, intentionally or not. i'm not saying that you shouldn't date a guy that's watched porn before (chances are, you unfortunately won't be able to find a guy that hasn't). i'm not saying that if your partner, spouse, or friend admits to you that they have a problem with pornography that you should end your relationship. i'm not saying that you have the right to break up with your long-term boyfriend if he correctly and genuinely comes to you with a heavy heart. 

let me explain, there is a monstrous difference in a guy that watches porn behind your back and doesn't have a problem with it, and a man that can admit to his sins and comes to you asking for accountability. i say don't date a guy that struggles with porn, because struggling infers that they are victim to pornography, and/or addicted to it. a man of God that watches porn should feel humiliated, dirty, convicted, guilty, and most importantly, repentant. you cannot get away from the fact that your significant other will be faced with porn, but you can find a man that will take the proper precautions to minimize his own exposure to it. if a man knows he falls victim to internet porn and wants to change, he will get a lock on his cellphone or computer against certain websites or key words. if a man has a struggle with pornography through viewing movies or videos and wants to change, he will get certain channels block on the televisions he views. my point is this- a true man of God that is worthy of your heart will not continue to dwell in his sins, he should have the maturity and humility to admit his faults and try to overcome them.

let's take a step back. chances are, if you found out your significant other was cheating on you, you would feel betrayed, devastated, and humiliated along many other things. so why do so many women not speak out against porn? do they think it doesn't count as cheating? because the word tells us otherwise. matthew 5:28 "but i tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." so that might seem drastic, but look at what else God's word tells us. 1 john 3:15 "anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart." what these 2 verses very clearly tell us is that our thoughts are just as powerful as our actions.  therefore, we have to start viewing pornography as big of an issue as it actually is.

like i've stated earlier, pornography is everywhere nowadays. pornographic images surround us in our daily lives. just because the person your dating isn't making an internet search for porn, there are many other ways they can be lusting after women in their hearts, which we have just learned is just as serious. it might be as simple as your boyfriend following certain accounts on instagram that degrade women by objectification. they could be going through the explore page and clicking on certain pages and scrolling through the "hottest girls of instagram" and he is still cheating in his heart. so, what does God teach us about that? matthew 5:30 "and if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. it is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." you deserve a man of God if you are a woman of God. don't allow him to victimize himself, or not be honest with you in his struggles. matthew teaches us that it is better to cut off our hand, our literal HAND, than to use it to lust with. if that isn't the most extreme example i can think of, i don't know what is. therefore, you should be able to unfollow certain pages, delete apps, block websites, and etc to keep you from sinning. women, keep your men accountable. lust is a very serious sin that mainly men struggle with, so make sure that they do "cut their hand off" if it is causing them to sin. viewing of pornography will not only ruin the man it is affecting, but also his future relationships in more extreme ways than he could ever imagine.

naomi wolf put it this way- "the young women who talk to me on campuses about the effect of pornography on their intimate lives speak of feeling that they can never measure up, that they can never ask for what they want; and that if they do not offer what porn offers, they cannot expect to hold a guy. the young men talk about what it is like to grow up learning about sex from porn, and how it is not helpful to them in trying to figure out how to be with a real woman...for the first time in human history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. today, real naked women are just bad porn." watching pornography, looking at pornographic images, or reading pornographic material will have a tremendous negative affect on the woman that men choose to date, whether they believe so or not. women are already so obsessed with looking perfect and desirable to their men, that the realization that their other half could look at another naked woman with the click of a button is a real and valid fear that women have to live in. in my own personal life, i've dated guys that have not watched porn and that have watched porn. in the 1 relationship that i was apart of in which the guy could not give up his porn eventually tore us apart. i ended up severing the relationship because of the aching in my soul of the thought of him watching another woman in such a personal context. my standards have not changed, and i've found that talking about the issue and being open about struggles often leads to accountability, which furthers closeness in a relationship for both parties.

dear woman of god, 

you are beautiful.

you are valuable.

you are  more than the body God has created for you.

you are not defined by how "sexy" "hot" or "desirable" you are to men.

you deserve a man to lead you,

to love you as Christ has loved the church,

to treat you purely.

to put you first.

to make you feel comfortable.

God has someone picked out perfectly for you.

don't settle for anything less.