Friday, February 3, 2017

feelings of inadequacy


d i s c l a i m e r :
as you can tell by the title of this post, this wont be one of my positive, uplifting messages. i just want to share with you where i'm at. i usually spend a lot of time on my blogs.. brainstorming, writing, revising, posting.. but today i just kind of want to talk to you. is that okay? i don't ever want people that read my blog to get the impression that i have my life together seamlessly. in fact, it seems more than not, i tend to be stressing about my life. of course i don't usually post things like this because they are, for a lack of a better word, depressing! as a christian blogger, i try my hardest to bring all of my points and posts full circle with an uplifting message. but daily life isn't always so glamorous. i'm not posting this for sympathy. rather, i want to show you that i don't have it all together like it might seem over the internet. so here goes..

w h a t ' s  t h e   p o i n t ? 
do you ever just feel like what you're doing is kind of.. blah? that's how i'm feeling. i can't quite pinpoint the exact feeling - it isn't depression, or loneliness, or lack of motivation. the best way i can describe it is inadequacy.

in·ad·e·quate (adjective)
lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.

lately i just can't find the purpose for the things that i'm doing. every day tasks that i work for - what's the point? whether it be working out, school work, hobbies.. i feel like i'm going through the motions. even with a task as simple as blogging! at times i feel like blogging is my sole purpose in my life - and it's at these times that these feelings are so over whelming and amazing that i can't imagine a time where i won't feel them. and then the next day.. i check facebook to see that almost everyone nowadays is trying to be a blogger. for some reason, it's become the newest fad. to be frank, this can become irritating to someone who has been blogging for 4+ years. it can be even more frustrating when i see new bloggers making it to the top.. becoming viral.. getting their results. like i said, this rings true with almost aspect of my life at the moment. (is it a shock to see the difference in this post, in comparison to my positive posts? welp, that's a reality check for you!) please don't take my words the wrong way - i am in a good place in my life. i am not complaining. i am grateful for all of the resources that i have. i know that my life is full at the brim of opportunities, compared to others. what i'm saying is that sometimes life can be overwhelming. and that sometimes, life doesn't give you an immediate answer. 

the weirdest part of it all is that i know it is all going to end up okay. like i clarified, i'm not sad. or mad. or any of those negative feelings. i've written a real post like this before about waiting for God to show me the path of life. throughout all of this, i know more than i know anything that God will show me, when the time is right, the path for me to take. i know that all of these things i'm working towards will pay off in the end. it's just the mundane reality that working every day towards goals doesn't bring immediate satisfaction.

isn't that what we're all about nowadays? immediate satisfaction? isn't that what we all crave now? fast food, social media, etc all bring us very quick results, which we thrive off of. but what happens when you've been working towards something every day, praying for it, sacrificing for it, making time for it, and you don't see the affects? i guess that's when faith really kicks in. although i am in a season of waiting in my life, i know that i can't stop working hard now. we never know when we're on the edge of a breakthrough. it reminds me of a little picture i saw a long time ago. it's one of those random things you see once but really, really sticks with you and you remember years later. i guess what i'm saying is that yes, i want to be honest with you and tell you that i'm struggling with finding the purpose for the things that i do. but i do not doubt that they are there. i know they are there. i know the Lord has great plans for each of His faithful servants. the Lord will reveal His plan for me when the timing is right. until then.. i will wait.


- mallory beale