Thursday, April 6, 2017
Last week, I came across an article by Cosmopolitan titled, "I am the girl sleeping with your boyfriend" on Snapchat. Now, a Cosmo article (and Snapchat articles..) being problematic is nothing new. However, it seems as if the main point of this article is to humanize, and sympathize with, the "other woman". The woman that wrote this article is condescending, lacking in guilt, and mean. Of course, there are many problems with this article. Although I read it over a week ago, it has stuck with me and I want to share my thoughts. Therefore, I give you my response letter to the girl sleeping with my boyfriend.
The anonymous author starts out by saying-
"It’s 11:03pm and I’m texting your boyfriend. Well, not necessarily YOU, the person reading this, but someone like you. A girl who has no idea the guy she loves is currently telling me what he wants to do to me."
Now, if that first paragraph doesn't make your stomach drop, I don't know what will. The idea that there is a woman out there that you don't even know about, that is talking to your boyfriend, is beyond horrifying. It sounds like something that would only exist in nightmares but unfortunately, people cheat on their significant others every day. "But Mallory, texting isn't cheating!" Let me explain- and this is my personal opinion- if you're having to hide, sneak, or delete texts, you're doing something wrong. If you're talking to a girl behind your girl's back, that's sketchy. And if you're having any sort of emotional, sexual, or deep connections- you're cheating. If you have a friendship with a girl of the opposite sex and you are texting her things you don't want your girlfriend to know, you need to take a step back. You might not be doing anything physical, but emotional infidelity is just as toxic as physical infidelity (maybe even worse).
"I’m not a whore, although you might want to call me one. I’m not even a b**** - I’m actually a pretty nice person. I have friends and family who love me, and I don’t fit the ‘other woman’ stereotype."
Look. She might not be a whore, or any other bad name you can think of. Name calling is for toddlers. What she is is a woman who is lacking in conscience. She is a woman that doesn't know her boundaries. She is a woman that doesn't care if she gets in the middle of somebody else's relationship, and that is a problem. It doesn't matter if she doesn't fit the "other woman stereotype", she is the other woman regardless. This paragraph's purpose is probably to make us realize that she could be a good person. She's "pretty nice!" But nice women don't talk to guys that have girlfriends. Nice women respect other women.
"There’s a definite ego boost to having a guy like you enough to cheat on his girlfriend. That must mean I’m pretty right?"
I may have just thrown up in my mouth. The logic of this woman is full with fallacies. The first error in thinking is that physical attractiveness is the main reason for cheating. This mindset can be toxic to women that lack in self-confidence, or struggle with insecurity. There will always be pretty girls, but that doesn't mean your boyfriend wants to make out with her. Plus, it doesn't matter what she looks like, if your boyfriend wants to cheat, he's going to cheat. If he has made up his mind to cheat on you, it doesn't matter how attractive you, or she, is- he's going to cheat.
"What never ceases to surprise me is how many guys ARE so willing to cheat. These aren’t ‘players’ that I go for... They’re just normal men who love their girlfriends but, for some reason, take only the tiniest of pushes to enter the realm of infidelity."
This is undoubtedly the paragraph that made me the most angry. Let me get one thing straight- if a man loves you, he will not cheat on you. If a man loves you, he will not cheat on you. If a man loves you, he will not cheat on you. Although it may have been the woman that pushed him to cheat, it was his decision, and his decision alone. You can spend all your time hating the "other woman" and how she destroyed your flawless relationship but hear me when I say this- if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. If your man is not 100% committed to you, that is his fault. Not the other woman's. Men (and women) will be faced with temptations every day- it's up to them what to do with it. And if you're in a relationship where a guy is cheating on you or treating you like you are disposable- leave him. He should be held responsible for his actions, and you should have enough respect for yourself to walk away. It doesn't matter if he says he loves you. It doesn't matter if he was drunk. It doesn't matter if she seduced him. A man that loves you will not cheat on you. If he does, let him go. You are not losing much.
"Then again, maybe it’s simple; maybe humans just aren’t made to be monogamous. At least that’s what Eamon*, the American pilot I met in a South American hostel, told his girlfriend over FaceTime... just before he asked her if he could sleep with me. Spoiler alert: she said no. Double Spoiler alert: we did it anyway."
So now, humans aren't even made to be monogamous? False. People may think that cheating is exhilarating. People may think one night stands are the "college thing to do." People may think they don't want to settle down because they could be missing out on so much. But let me tell you, the happiness I have experienced going through life with one human is unexplainable. You may think that being with multiple people is "cool", but trust me, you will meet someone one day that makes you wish you hadn't even held hands with somebody else before. The idea that human's aren't made to be monogamous is such a 21st century idea. The whole example of the pilot she slept with against his girlfriend's will just goes to show how much sympathy she lacks for the woman he's in a relationship with. You might read this to yourself and become paranoid that this type of girl will come along and steal your boyfriend too, but no one can steal your boyfriend if he doesn't want to leave. Not even the hottest girl in the world can take or "steal" your boyfriend from you. He isn't a handbag, he's a living human being with his own brain. He can't be stolen from you, but he can choose to walk away. And if he does, let him walk. Faithful men still exist in this world, and they are worth your wait. Trust me.
"What I want to make clear, is that I'm not sitting here cackling evilly and trying to break you up - I just seem to be missing the part of my body that should feel empathy for you....You aren't real to me. I haven't met you. I don't know you. And somehow that lets me do this."
Let this be a message to all females- if a guy has a girlfriend, it doesn't matter or not if you know her, you should respect her. Same goes to males- you should respect other's relationships. There are 7 billion people in the world, and you want to get in the middle of someone's relationship? She states that she isn't trying to break you up, but there aren't many more solutions to this problem. Respect other people's relationships. What's yours is yours, and what's their's is their's.
"The reality of being the sidechick is that as exciting and as flattering as it may be at first, the realisation that I will always be second best eventually takes the shine off, and things inevitably fizzle out. Then it’s on to the next shiny new already-someone’s-boyfriend, and so the vicious cycle continues. Until I find my happily ever after, of course."
Upon reading this article, I had hoped it would have some sort of repentant ending, but I guess I shouldn't expect any less than someone that seduces someone else's boyfriend. This post was written by an anonymous author so I don't know your name but girlfriend, listen to me. You will never find your happily ever after if you're looking at men that have already found theirs. If a man is committed to a woman, you should never come in between that. You don't have to always be second best. You can be with someone that puts you first. You can be with someone faithful. You can have so much better than what you're experiencing. But you'll never find that if you keep looking for it in other people's relationships.
"Because there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
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